Homily - On the subordinance of marriage

 The Twenty-first Sunday in Ordinary Time (B)

 Dear brothers and sisters,

We have heard for the past several weeks of Jesus’ desire to give himself completely for us, to the point of offering himself on the Cross for our salvation and of giving himself to us as our true food and drink (cf. John 6:1-69). Today, he asks us, “Does this shock you” (John 6:61)?

No doubt there are many today who are indeed shocked at so great a love. In an age of ever-increasing self-absorption and of strident, independent individualism, so self-less a love seems unfathomable. Yet this love is true; it is real. Jesus did - and does - love us with a love greater than we can comprehend. Yet some doubt such a love and others do not desire to be loved so intimately. At what point in this spectrum do we fall? Today, many people’s ability to accept the love of Jesus is related to their upbringing, to the manner in which they received love in their families.

Saint Paul realized this profound relationship between marriage and God’s own love. This is why he said, “This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the Church” (Ephesians 5:32). The portion of his letter to the Ephesians which we have just heard finds little support in society today. For this reason, many marriages have failed because spouses have not rooted their love for each other in the love of Jesus Christ; they have not measured their love according to God’s way of loving.

We strive for independence because of our fallen and sinful condition and long for what we call freedom, but which – in reality - is really mere license. When we attain what we seek we do not find ourselves, but rather slaves to our own desires and passions. Saint Paul shows us the way out of this vicious cycle of self-enslavement and opens for us the path to authentic freedom.

“Follow the way of love,” he says earlier in the same letter, “even as Christ loved you. He gave himself for us” (Ephesians 5:2). Who would say that Jesus was not free? Indeed, he was – and is - freer than any one of us has ever been. It is true that he was obedient to the Father even to the point of death, but it is equally true that he freely chose obedience. His was the obedience not of enslavement, but of love; it is this obedience of love that Saint Paul urges wives to live when he says, “Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22).

Before we grow angry with Saint Paul and think him a bigot, we must remember what he writes just before this so-called controversial statement: “Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ,” words he addresses to everyone (Ephesians5:21). As Christ loved us, so we are to love one another. Because wives are to love their husbands as they would love Christ, they should be subordinate to them “because the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of his body the church” (Ephesians 5:22).

Before saying anything further, we must consider what it means to be “subordinate” to someone.

The Greek verb is hypotasso, which means literally ‘to place or arrange under.’ Here it occurs in the middle voice (hypotassomai) with the meaning ‘to place oneself under,’ or more simply, ‘submit oneself to’ or ‘defer to.’ It is clear from the context that voluntary subordination is intended, like the other voluntary expression of Spirit-filled life mentioned [by Paul].[1]

This voluntary act of deferring to one another is placed by Saint Paul in the context of “reverence for Christ.”

The truly unusual nature of this instruction is that Paul tells his readers to submit themselves to one another, still addressing all the members of the community. At first this seems contradictory. How can two individuals place themselves ‘under’ each other? … The meaning of this unusual instruction becomes clearer in the light of similar texts that teach about relationships in the church… Reciprocal humility and love determine even the relationship that entail authority… Undoubtedly, behind this teaching stands Jesus’ own teaching about leadership as service (Luke22:25-27), which was demonstrated and explained when he washed the feet of his disciples (John 13:13-15), foreshadowing his humbling himself for our sake on the cross.[2]

Here we see clearly that “God’s way of loving becomes the measure of human love.” [3]

The head of the body always looks to the good of the body, to its health, safety, and satisfaction. This is how Christ cares for his Bride, the Church; this is how husbands are to care for their wives. What is more, Saint Paul says, “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the Church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her” (Ephesians 5:25). Every husband, then, must be filled with so selfless a love for his wife that he is ready and willing to lay down even his very life for her. “While on rare occasions dying for one’s wife may be literally necessary, [Paul] means it in the everyday sense of husbands dying to self by prioritizing their wives’ needs and wants before their own. Essentially, Paul is saying, ‘Husbands, seek the good of your wives regardless of the cost to you.”[4] If a husband loves his wife in this way, there is no difficulty in deferring to him. Again, we see clearly that God’s way of loving becomes the measure of human love.

Certainly, to live in this way is no simple task and for this reason, in his goodness, Christ the Lord has raised marriage to the dignity of a Sacrament and has bestowed his grace upon it to enable husbands and wives to live in such a way that the love of Christ for the Church is reflected in their marriage.

Christ’s grace is not an external addition to human nature, it does not do violence to men and women but sets them free and restores them, precisely by raising them above their own limitations. And just as the Incarnation of the Son of God reveals its true meaning in the Cross, so genuine human love is self-giving and cannot exist if it seeks to detach itself from the Cross.[5]

We can say, then, that the love of husband and wife is in some way a Eucharistic love, a love that must imitate the selfless and self-giving love of Jesus Christ. Husbands and wives must give themselves to each other completely, just as Jesus gives himself completely for us. When a husband cares more about himself than his wife, a marriage begins to fail. When a wife cares more about herself than her husband, a marriage begins to fail. This, too, is a hard saying and one largely rejected by our society, to great harm for all.

It is only by following the way of love, it is only by deferring to one another out of reverence for Christ, that we find true freedom; it is only by imitating the self-giving love of Jesus that we find everything we seek in life. May the Lord, then, lead us deeper and deeper into the mystery of his love until our love perfectly reflects his own, until the measure of our love is the measure of his love. Amen.

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[1] Peter S. Williamson, Catholic Commentary on Sacred Scripture: Ephesians (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Academic, 2009), 155-156.

[2] Ibid., 156-157.

[3] Pope Benedict XVI, Deus caritas est, 11.

[4] Peter S. Williamson, Catholic Commentary on Sacred Scripture: Ephesians, 166.

[5] Pope Benedict XVI, Address to Participants in the Diocesan Convention of Rome, 6 June 2005.

Marriage: It's not all about you

Whenever I meet with a couple to prepare them for the Sacrament of Matrimony, I always make a point to remind the bride that the wedding is not about her.  Nor is it about the groom.  Nor is it about the bride and groom together.  The wedding day is about Jesus Christ and his love for his Bride, the Church, a love that is to be mirrored within the marriage of husband and wife.

I also remind the bride that she is not a princess.  We live in the United States of America where - so at least we claim - we like neither monarchy nor elitism.

Some brides are taken aback by these two reminders, not doubt in part because these reminders fly in the face of what they've been since there were about four years old.

Much of these false notions of marriage could no doubt be done away with if we in these United States celebrated marriage like this recent celebration in Uganda where 219 couples were married a single ceremony:

Pomp and excitement engulfed Christians of Nebbi Cathedral, in Nebbi Town on Saturday as 219 couples exchanged marriage vows to remain together till death does them apart in a mass wedding.

The wedding was organized by Nebbi Catholic diocese and sponsored by friends and well-wishers through St Peters Clever, Mulagu community parish.

The Bishop of Nebbi Catholic diocese Rt Rev Lino Sanctus Wanok presided over the mass which he described as the first of its kind in his pastoral work.

“It was on Saturday that God created human beings in his image and the image was in form of man and woman. Today in our diocese, we are experiencing a historic event that I have not witnessed in my life, that God is creating 219 families not in their ways but through sacrament of matrimony,” The Bishop said.

The couples who were mostly above 40 years of age could not hide their excitement as they kept on showing their loves to their better halves to the over 5000 congregation who turned up to witness the occasion [more].

One of the most frequent complaints I hear from brides is about the cost of weddings.  Though I always remind them that they do not need a large wedding party, an expensive dress, or a formal reception, they never listen (I take that back: one bride did listen, and the wedding was a truly happy occassion for everyone involved; the simplicity clearly pointed to their love).  Just think how much money could be saved by celebrating marriages in one ceremony.

Of course, that would mean that many people would have to realize - and publicly show - that marriage is not about them.

Capello tip to Deacon Kandra.

A wedding homily

From time to time I see that not a few people stumble upon this blog in search of a wedding homily. I am witnessing a wedding this afternoon and so thought I would post the homily I intend to preach. It seems a bit lengthy and I may try to shorten it up a bit.

My dear friends in Christ, may the Lord give you peace!

We gather this afternoon to witness and celebrate the love that N. and N. share one for the other, a love that ultimately comes from Christ himself. We gather to witness the exchange of their consent to love each other faithfully and exclusively for the rest of their days as they commit themselves to mirror the love of Christ for his Bride, the Church.

I welcome each of you, their family and friends, to share in this solemn celebration, and I greet you with affection. On behalf of N. and N., I thank you for your prayerful support and encouragement; let me also express to you their joy and gratitude at your presence here today.

Of the many blessings with which life is filled, few compare to the great gift of love, this love which N. and N. are about to pledge to each other this day for the rest of their days. Let us now reflect upon the wonder of love. To do so, I ask you to permit me to speak directly to the couple; you are certainly welcome to listen in.

N. and N., you have invited us here to share in your joy, to share in the love you have for each other. This love, we know, ultimately comes from Christ Jesus and is always to mirror and reflect his love for the Church. We, your family and friends, and I, the Church’s minister, are truly happy to be here with you today.

You have chosen for us today the beautiful and moving reading from the Book of Tobit. This short book is a profound example of faithful love. Tobit says he “alone went often to Jerusalem for the feasts, as it is ordained for all Israel by an everlasting decree” (Tobit 1:6); that is, of all Israel most had turned from the Lord, but Tobit remained faithful. He married Anna and she gave birth to their son, Tobias. Tobit was taken into exile in Nineveh, but because he was faithful to the Lord even there he quickly gained favor with the king.

Tobit was a generous man. “I would give my bread to the hungry and my clothing to the naked” he says; “and if I saw any one of my people dead and thrown out behind the wall of Nineveh, I would bury him” (Tobit 1:17). Doing so meant that Tobit disobeyed the orders of the emperor and put his life in jeopardy, but he would not cease doing good. After burying a dead kinsman and being made unclean, Tobit slept outside and was blinded by a bird. He then prayed to the Lord for healing.

Meanwhile, back in Media, Sarah, the daughter of Raguel, was possessed by the demon Asmodeus and unknowingly strangled seven husbands within the bridal chamber. Being her father’s only child she brought disgrace upon him by not giving him an heir. Sarah prayed to the Lord for the birth of a child to give honor to her family.

In answer to their prayers the Lord sent the Archangel Raphael to heal Tobit’s blindness, to give Sarah to Tobias in marriage, and to bind up Asmodeus the demon (cf. Tobit 3:16).

Raphael tells Tobias how to deal with the demon Asmodeus and how to cure his father’s blindness. Tobias follows his instructions and entered Sarah’s room to take her as his wife. After fulfilling the angel’s instructions, Tobias and Sarah offer the beautiful prayer read for us today.

Throughout this inspired book, we learn the great importance of fidelity to God, of praising God, of generous giving and of steadfast prayer. We shall now say a few words about each of these.

First is the importance of fidelity – of faithfulness – to God. In their difficulties and hardships, Tobit, Sarah and Tobias were faithful to the Lord and did not turn their backs on him. Because of their fidelity, the Lord answered their prayers.

Indeed, we know that God’s own love for us is a faithful love, a love that “never fails” (I Corinthians 13:8).

God’s relationship with Israel is described using the metaphors of betrothal and marriage; idolatry is thus adultery and prostitution… The history of the love-relationship between God and Israel … consists in the fact that man, through a life of fidelity to the one God, comes to experience himself as loved by God and discovers joy in truth and in righteousness – a joy in God which becomes his essential happiness.[1]

God “sent his only Son as expiation for our sins” (I John 4:10). “In this way the love of God was revealed to us: God sent his only-begotten Son into the world so that we might have life through him” (I John 4:9). Here then we come to realize that

God’s passionate love for his people – for humanity – is at the same time a forgiving love. It is so great that it turns God against himself, his love against his justice… so great is God’s love for man that by becoming man he follows him even into death, and so reconciles justice and love.[2]

This is faithful love, love that knows no bounds. It is this same love, this same fidelity, that you, N. and N., are to mirror for each other each day of your lives. When you look upon your spouse, you are to see the faithful love of God and you are to extend that love.

Second we see the importance of praising God. The prayers of Tobit, Sarah and Tobias each begin in praise of the Most High, recalling what he has done for them in the past and confident of what he will do in the future.

To be able to praise God we must be in relationship with him so that we can be aware of his goodness towards us. One of God’s greatest gifts to you, N. and N., is that “love between man and woman which is neither planned nor willed, but somehow imposes itself upon human beings” that has drawn the two of you together in love.[3] Give praise to God each day of your lives for this wondrous gift.

Third is the importance of generous giving that we see through the example of Tobit and Tobias. The love that has drawn the two of you to each other is the same love that joins you together so that you “shall become one flesh” (Matthew 19:5). This love that draws you together is the love of Jesus Christ; it is that love that went all the way to the Cross to redeem us; it is this love that knows no end. If this love draws you together today, it must be shared with everyone who comes into contact with you; this love cannot be selfishly hoarded, but must be generously shared.

Fourth is the importance of prayer, of an intimate relationship with the Lord. The Lord has given you to each other so that this relationship may deepen with each passing day. As such, the two of you are taking on a specific duty.

N., your first duty as a husband will be to do all that you can to ensure that N. grows in holiness and is welcomed into the eternal wedding banquet of the Lamb of God. N., your primary duty as a wife will be to do all that you can to ensure that N. grows in holiness and is welcomed into the eternal wedding banquet of the Lamb of God. Together, then, you will love each other as Christ has first loved you, seeking only the good of the other, never thinking of your own good.

Only through prayer will you ever help each other grow daily in holiness and in greater union with the Crucified and Risen Lord. Only when you consider each other’s growth in holiness more important than even your own life will you realize Jesus’ command for you, to “love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12).

This is certainly a tall order and a difficult one, and if you attempt to fulfill this duty alone you will fail for Jesus reminds us: “without me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). Pope Benedict reminds us that in order “to become such a source [of love], one must constantly drink anew from the original source [of love], which is Jesus Christ, from whose pierced heart flows the love of God [cf. John 19:34].”[4] You must daily seek the grace of the Lord to love in this way. You cannot do it alone. If you ask him, you will have the help and support of the Lord. If you ask us, you will have also the help and support of your family and friends. If you ask her, you will have the help and support of holy Mother Church.

Together, then, we will all grow in love of - and in love with - the Lord Jesus Christ, all through the love that we see in you. May your love always bear witness to the love of Christ for his bride, the Church. “May the Lord be with you always and, wherever you are, may you be with Him always. Amen.”[5]

[1] Pope Benedict XVI, Deus caritas est, 9.
[2] Ibid., 10.
[3] Ibid., 3.
[4] Ibid, 7.
[5] Saint Clare of Assisi, Blessing 13.