The Wedding of Quinlan Mahoney and Chris DeGroot
Dear brothers and sisters,
We have come together this afternoon, in this church dedicated to the honor of God and of Saint Augustine of Hippo, to witness the exchange of consent of Chris and Quinlan, and to celebrate with them as they “establish between themselves a partnership of their whole life.” By its very nature, this union “is ordered to the well-being of the spouses and to the procreation and upbringing of children” (canon 1055).
On behalf of the couple, I greet you, their family and friends, with affection and I welcome you in the name of Christ. I thank you for the love, support, and encouragement you show them by your presence with us today. I am confident they will count on you in the days, weeks, and years ahead for this same encouragement, support, and love. Now, my friends, before we witness the exchange of their promises to live in committed love until death, I ask you to allow me to speak directly to the couple; you, of course, may listen in.
Chris and Quinlan, we, your family and friends, and I, the Church’s minister, are truly happy to share in your joy and in your love for each other. It is fitting that we gather here in this sacred place where the most important moments in life are held to seek merciful love of God. Today the Lord fulfills his promise to “turn their mourning into joy” and “show them compassion and have them rejoice after their sorrows” (Jeremiah31:13).
Although it is becoming less obvious to some, we know man and woman different from each other both physically and emotionally. We also know man and woman complement and complete each other. It is “for this reason [that] a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh” (Mark 10:7-8).
You have chosen for us to hear of this complementarity today from the Book of Sirach: “Blessed be the husband of a good wife, twice-lengthened are his days; a worthy wife brings joy to her husband, peaceful and full is his life” (Sirach 26:1-2). At first glance, it may seem as though Sirach speaks only of blessings for the husband since the wife is mentioned only in relation to him. The opposite, however, is also true: the husband is only mentioned in relation to his wife. Both are so intimately connected that they cannot be spoken of apart from the other. A wife can only bring joy to her husband if he has also brought joy to her and a wife delights her husband because he delights her. A husband and wife are mutual gifts to each other; there is no other way around it. A wife is a gift to her husband and a husband is a gift to his wife. Only in this way can Sirach say, “Be he rich or poor, his heart is content, and a smile is ever upon his face” (Sirach 26:4).
But what is it that binds a man and a woman so deeply together that they cannot be spoken of apart from each other? What brings them together and unites them so deeply? The answer is found in what Jesus says to us today, “Therefore what God has joined together, no human being must separate” (Mark 10:9). It is God, therefore, the God who “is love,” who so intimately unites man and woman together as one (I John 4:4-8). Love is the bond that makes them “one flesh” (Mark 10:8).
This naturally brings us to a consideration of what love is at its core. We can rightly say that “love is the bond of perfection in the sense that it completes and unifies the virtues, and more importantly it perfects, or matures, the community itself.”[1]
“The love between man and woman which is neither planned nor willed, but somehow imposes itself upon human beings” is no mere infatuation; it is no mere flurry of giddy emotions; no, this love is much more than the swirling of butterflies in one’s stomach.[2] Whether it is recognized as such or not, the love that unites a man and woman together is the same love that drove the only Son of God to abandon the glory of heaven and to take upon himself our frail humanity; it is the same love that led the Son of God to take upon himself the sins of the world and die upon the cross for our salvation.; it is the same love that raised the only Son of God from the dead; it is the very love that sent the Holy Spirit to be with us always. God’s love for us is very much a nuptial love and it is what unites a man and woman together in marriage. It is the core, the center, the very foundation, of the married life that you, Chris and Quinlan, seek to enter today.
The “still more excellent” way of love of which Saint Paul speaks is the imitative love of God manifest for us in Christ Jesus. The one who loves in this way does not seek his or own good, but only the good of the beloved. For such a one, “love now becomes concern and care for the other. No longer is it self-seeking, a sinking in the intoxication of happiness; instead it seeks the good of the beloved: it becomes renunciation and it is ready, and even willing, for sacrifice.”[3]
There is a temptation today to over-romanticize marriage, to think it will somehow automatically bring about a life of bliss without any difficulties whatever. The reality, however, as any honest couple will tell you, is not quite so picture perfect. Marriage is difficult and requires compromise, patience, and gentleness; and when these are embraced, marriage is also beautiful, perhaps because of its difficulties. Marriage is quite simple, but it is not easy. It is simple because, at its core, marriage involves only one thing, namely, that every day each spouse must desire the good of the other above his or her own and labor to obtain that good for the beloved. In this, marriage daily requires self-denial, and, for this very reason, it is far from easy.
The great J.R.R. Tolkien, author of The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings, reflected on the reality of marriage in a letter he wrote to his son Michael in 1941. Then, after twenty-five of his fifty-five years of marriage to his beloved wife Edith, the elder Tolkien wrote these words:
No man, however truly he loved his betrothed and bride as a young man, has lived faithful to her as a wife in mind and body without deliberate conscious exercise of the will, without self-denial. Too few are told that – even those brought up ‘in the Church.’[4]
Tolkien here speaks of a danger for the groom in marriage, but lest some think marriage brings no danger for the bride, we might note the temptation of the wife to always imagine herself to be right. Marriage, for her, too, requires deliberate conscious exercise of the will, that is, self-denial. I do not want the two of you to be unaware of this.
If you will allow me to return for a moment to that first line we heard from Sirach: “Blessed the husband of a good wife.” We know, as we said, the opposite is equally true: “Blessed the wife of a good husband.” Quinlan, I sometimes have a concern when a Christian desires to marry someone who is not yet baptized because of the importance of faith in uniting a couple, but I cannot say I had these same concerns with the two of you. Chris, thank you for the quiet, gentle, and strong support you have been for Quinlan in days that have been of the deepest sorrow. To quote Samwise Gamgee, you “showed your quality: the very highest.”[5] Continue to stand by her in the same manner. If you and Quinlan love each other each day with this same selfless love, your love will never fail, and you will have joy to surmount every sorrow (I Corinthians 13:8).
Quinlan and Chris, may you always smile at each other. May you always teach each other and learn from each other the still more excellent way of love. And may the example of your married life teach others the way to perfection. Amen.
[1] Dennis Hamm, Catholic Commentary on Sacred Scripture: Philippians, Colossians, Philemon (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Baker Academic, 2013), 220.
[2] Pope Benedict XVI, Deus caritas est, 3.
[3] Ibid., 6.
[4] J.R.R. Tolkien, Letter to Michael Tolkien, 6-8 March 1941. In The Letters of J.R.R. Tolkien. Humphrey Carpenter, ed. (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 2000), 51.
[5] Ibid., The Two Towers: Being the Second Part of the Lord of the Rings, “The Window on the West.”
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